Cry
by MissSwede
Summary: All she wanted was to cry and it was the only thing she couldn't do.
1. Cry

A/N: Just a short thing I thought of when I should be doing my ToK. I know it is short but what are you going to do? P

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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**Cry**

Cry. That was all she wanted to do. Nothing else. She didn't want to eat or sleep or talk or be polite or anything else she normally did. The only thing that she wanted was to cry. But she couldn't. It was the only thing she couldn't do. Because she _didn't _cry. Or so they though.

They didn't know that late at night when everyone was sleeping and she was locked in her bedroom she let a river flood from her eyes, a river that wouldn't stop. Eventually she had to close the gate and face a new day, a day of smiling and being polite and like everyone _expected._ But it wasn't her. Deep down she knew she was the one to blame for it all. She had wanted to do her best, and all of a sudden people had started _expecting _the best. And she didn't want to disappoint them. She didn't want to be recognized as a failure.

In the beginning it hadn't been that hard. But as time went by people started seeing her like perfect and now she was tired of it. She wasn't perfect but she was the only one who knew because no one else _knew her._ But she couldn't let them down. She had created this charade, now she was just paying the price. And it was high. Sleepless nights and never ending tears. Sometimes a crack appeared in the gate during the day. When that happened she would sneak off. So no one would know.

She hated that she did that because the only thing she wanted was for someone to notice. That someone would care. Someone who would save her, not from the world but from herself. She wanted to get out but she didn't know how. And keeping up the charade was growing harder every second. Soon the gates would burst and there wouldn't be any possible way to repair them. She knew it and she wanted everyone else to know it to. But she couldn't tell them that she wasn't perfect, because if she wasn't then who was she? She would be a stranger. And you don't help to repair strangers. So she screamed, not with her mouth but in every other way possible. She rebelled. Refused her fathers wishes, broke it off with her boyfriend. And still they didn't notice. Thinking it was just a phase, that it would pass. She knew it wouldn't.

But she left that fall. Collage. The tears came with her. She couldn't leave them behind. And the screaming continued. Every time she saw a movie she cursed that her life wasn't like that. Where was her savior? Of course he didn't exist she knew that but sometimes it was nice to think that he did. But it was getting harder than before. She knew that it was close now. The gates weren't going to last much longer. Years of water pressuring at them had made the planks rotten.

Today was a day with a crack. And she snuck of like always. Because all she wanted to do know was cry. If she didn't she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to catch another breath. So here she was, alone and crying. The only time she was real, a person, not a character. She heard a noise, sniffled and looked up and there he was. He had seen _her. _

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So what did you think? Terrible? Confusing? Boring? Let me know. Thanks 


	2. The cracks

**A/N: Yesterday I started writing this one shot and then it turned out to be more. I know it is pretty short but I don't really know where to go from here. _Suggestions would be great._ But thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

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**2. Cracks**

Yesterday had been a day with a crack. Today there were several. Today was _different_. He had appeared yesterday and somehow he had persuaded her to not fix the crack in the gate. Let the water sip through, a little at a time and to her surprise it had helped. The river was loosing its strength. Then another crack had opened up and _he_ had been there to help her endure that one too. Soon the river had lost so much strength that only a few drops sipped through. That was when he asked if she was hungry and she replied 'no'. To her surprise he had just smiled and said:

"Well soon enough you will be and I can wait."

Then it was her time to smile, a weak small smile and still the first real one in years. She liked the feeling of it. She liked the way he made her feel. She didn't know it yet but she liked _him_. So she agreed to dinner and the expression on his face when she said yes made her smile again and this time it was not so weak.

He had walked her home and then picked her up an hour later. By then the river was so weak that not even the smallest drops could penetrate the cracks. After dinner he had walked her back home and then he left. Another crack had opened and the water could make its way through this one. And then another one, but to her surprise the gate remained close. It wouldn't open. It was stuck and eventually water stopped sipping through the new cracks and again she could feel the river loosing strength.

Yes today _was different_. Today had cracks but the river lacked strength. Today someone knew _her_.

After she had gotten herself out of bed and put her clothes on she left her dorm to go find him. To thank him, for saving her from drowning. Today she was standing on dry land and that was because of him. He had fished her up from the water. Then when she came to his door she got nervous. What if he had just been polite? What if he didn't really care? Why would he want to help her? She was nothing and she had been the only one to know that, until she showed him too.

With one hand lifted, ready to knock on the door she hesitated. Suddenly unsure of herself, but before she had time to turn away and walk back the door opened from the inside.

"Kirsten? How weird I was just on my way to find you."

"Yeah well…I just…" she stuttered as a reply suddenly regretting that she came. It would have been easier to hide.

"You just what?" he laughed a small laugh. Yesterday she would have been offended thinking that he was mocking her but not today.

"I just…" but before she could get another word in he interrupted her:

"Have you eaten breakfast yet?" She shock her head, no she hadn't.

"Well" he said seeing how she wouldn't say anything. "Are you hungry? Cause we could go grab a bit? I know this great little place not far from here. But then again if you are not I could always wait until you get hungry." He said smiling using the same words he had used the day before.

"No, I'm hungry" she said smiling back at him, maybe he hadn't helped her just to be polite, maybe dinner last night hadn't been an invitation out of pity. _Maybe this was her movie. _

"Lets go then." He held his hand out and she took it.


	3. Why me?

**A/N: thank you so much all of you who reviewed. Now I have actually got a pretty good idea where this is heading. Let me know what you think! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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_3. Why me?_

It wasn't until they only had their coffees left that she had built up enough courage to tell what she had wanted to say. Just as she was about to, his voice floated through the air and reached her ear:

"So why did you show up at my door this morning? I'm guessing it is not just because you didn't have someone to eat breakfast with." He smiled and she couldn't help that she smiled back. What was it about him that brought out a gesture that she had been faking for years?

"I wanted to thank you, you know for yesterday. I know it's stupid but I don't think I would have lasted much longer."

"It's not stupid" this time there was no laughter in his voice, only concern.

"I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to be anyone?"

"You are talking to the master." Was that a hint of a smile, she couldn't be sure but for the first time in years she took a shot.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah." Thankfully she realized that she had read him correctly. "Being a New Yorker in California already makes you an outsider then add being Jewish and poor to that equation and you've got a great recipe for a first class nobody."

"As interesting, and a bit disturbing, as that sounds that is not exactly what I meant."

"I know." He was serious again. "When I was five my father left us, I don't remember much of him but the night before he left he came into my room and said that he loved me and that I was special and would do great things and I believed him. The next morning he was gone and I knew he had lied. I mean if he loved me why would he leave? Ever since I have been trying to figure out who I am."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I mean I'm never really going to get over him leaving, but I have learned to deal with it and if I could change the past I wouldn't. I probably wouldn't be sitting here with you now if he hadn't left."

She smiled and blushed, she was used to compliments but this was different. This was the first one she had received being her, being Kirsten.

"Sorry didn't mean to embarrass you."

"No, no it's fine I just don't understand…" she shook her head "Never mind."

Her hands were resting on the table and he reached out, grabbed them and gave her a gentle squeeze.

"Come on, tell me."

"I just, I don't know. Why me? Why did you care? Notice?"

"Honestly?"

"I thought we were." This time it was her time to make the joke.

"I don't know." Ignoring her joke and remaining serious he continued: "I guess you are different but don't get me wrong that is a good thing. It has been awhile since I meet someone real." He smiled at her hoping she would accept this compliment, because he meant it. He saw something in her he hadn't seen in a long time, he saw purity and honesty.

"I should be heading back. My roommate will start to worry" Fuck. He hated when he did that, spoke his mind and then ending up driving people away.

"I'll walk you" he said as they left the dinner.

She didn't respond but she nodded.

The walked had been one in silence. And it wasn't until they reached her dorm that he broke the silence.

"So do you think you will be hungry again tonight?" Joking trying to mask over his insecurity with a line. Again he got angry with himself. Why did he _always_ do that?

"I don't know." She was hesitating, he could sense it and before she got a chance to shoot him down completely he said:

"Come on. We had a good time today didn't we?" she nodded "So what do you say? Dinner? Maybe a movie? I'll let you pick which one." He smiled and thankfully she smiled back.

"Okay"

"Okay? Great I'll pick you up at seven." He felt so pleased with himself that he leaned down and kissed her cheek.

"See you at seven." And then he left.


	4. Dinner and a Movie?

**Dinner and a movie?**

**A/N:** Sorry there was a delay in updating this. I blame 15 exams in two weeks and one vacation to Austria. I hope you like it. I am not very pleased with the dialog especially, for some reason I can't write it, but I needed to put it in for the next chapter.

_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing related to the oc except the dvd boxes for season 1 and 2

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"So what do you want to do tonight Kirsten?" Her roommate Sarah asked her later that same afternoon.

"Oh, I can't. Sorry."

"_You _have plans!"

She nodded, yes _she _had plans. For the first time since she started school last fall she had plans on a Saturday night, tonight she wouldn't have to rely on Sarah or Jessica to make plans or find a party to go to.

"So…?" Sarah continued. Eager to find out what was going on.

"So what?" She answered clearly oblivious to her friend's curiosity.

"What are you doing? You've never made plans before."

"Oh, I have a date."

"A date! You are going on a date? I didn't think we would live to see the day. I mean you know how to party, that I have seen, but a date? I didn't know you had it in you." Sarah stated in clear disbelief.

"I date!"

"Sorry darling but you don't. Remember that guy Jake? He was asking you out everyday for a month and still you turned him down every time. And believe me, they don't come much hotter than that."

"He didn't ask me out everyday."

"Almost. Anyway I'm just curious on who captured your heart."

"Who captured who's heart?" Jessica asked as she walked through the door.

"I don't know. I was just about to find out." Sarah replied before turning back towards Kirsten. "So tell us; who are you going out with?"

"You have a date!" she sounded just as surprised as Sarah had minutes ago.

"It's just this guy I met yesterday. You probably don't know him, he graduated last year."

"Well try us."

"His name is Sandy Cohen."

"No no no no. You can't go out with him. No Kirsten." Jessica was shaking her head violently.

"What's wrong with him, Jess?" Sarah seemed more confused than normal.

"Just trust me on this one. You do not want to go out with him."

"But I do."

"No, you don't. Trust me."

"Come on Jess, what ever he did it can't be that serious." Sarah joined in again.

"Yeah, remember that lab that got blown up last year?" Kirsten and Sarah nodded, of course they knew, everyone did. "Well the person responsible was his girlfriend, apparently they were engaged or something. Either way she fled the country without as much as a goodbye and ever since Mr. Cohen has been a real player.

"And you know this how?" Sarah asked.

"My sister was one of the girls he never called the next morning. So trust me Kirsten you do not want to go out with this guy."

"You know what Jess? Maybe what you said is true but that doesn't mean he is like that anymore, maybe he's changed."

"You can't be serious! The love of his life leaves him without an explanation and you think he has changed?"

"Maybe he hasn't but you know what? Right now I don't care! I can talk to him and tonight I'm going out with him." Then she stormed of, afraid that they would see the river that was now threatening to flood, hoping that she was right and Jess wrong, that Sandy Cohen really was a good guy.

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Dinner had been good. Really good. They never made it to the movies. But she hadn't minded. She liked talking to him. And she felt like he liked talking to her. She didn't know when she had started liking him, but then she realized that when wasn't important or at least not as important as the fact that she did like him. And he liked her too, she was pretty sure he did. She couldn't point her finger to when she had started flirting with him but if she was to guess it would have been sometime after she got the feeling that he liked her too. To her relief he had flirted back. It was a good feeling. Flirting with someone who was flirting back to _you,_ not the character everyone believed was you. And with every compliment he had given her, every stroke over her hand, the river, once so violent, inside of her lost its strength and now only a small stream remained. It wasn't big enough to reach the cracks and not strong enough to open the gate.

After dinner they had walked around, without any particular destination, talking about everything and nothing and she found herself being totally honest for the first time since she could remember. Her life had always been imprinted with those small lies that just come so easily. _Yes daddy, I did well on the test. _Or _Mom you have to believe me, I didn't do it. It must have been Hailey. _But not with him. With him lies didn't fit. All it took was one look into his eye and then she knew, _he didn't lie_, and he wouldn't accept being lied to. To her surprise it felt good. Before she knew it they had ended up in front of her dorm. He kissed her and to her own surprise she found herself asking if he wanted to come upstairs. When he declined she felt a wave of disappointment in her and he must have seen it written across her face because he hurried to say that he would call the minute he woke up the next morning, then he kissed her again and she still felt disappointed. But she accepted his offer and walked up the stairs alone thankful that she hadn't listened to Jessica and Sarah. She wouldn't believe that he could do that, not after looking into his eyes.

He called the next morning, just like he promised, and then he called the morning after that and all the other days that week. And the next week. And the week after that. They had gone out for a month and a half when it happened…

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So what did you think? I promise I'll try to update faster but I am kinda stuck, ideas are greatly appreciated. 


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